Honest Relationship vs Manipulation PTD3 (Parenting the dash 3)

All too often we live only by our fleshly emotions and forget we are raising eternal beings. To objectively view the actions and attitudes of a child we must think of how these affect the child’s heart. Do not look at the exterior of actions and attitudes look through them to what lies beneath the surface. There you will find a young heart that needs guidance to be formed and shaped into a loving being.

There are many hurdles that get in the way. One hurdle is manipulation. Juggling things around, saying this to one person and something else to another person, setting things up just right so you can get your way seems harmless, but is it? Isn’t that a common practice in our society?

It all sounds okay until your children use it on you to get what they want. We have all seen children go to one parent and ask something. When they don’t get an agreeable answer they will go to the other and manipulate their way to the answer they want. But how do I avoid being manipulated?

• Never give a quick answer. Get all pertinent information before making a decision. This will be trial and error until you get the hang of it.
• If you are rushed or frazzled, stop everything and use creative thinking to get away by yourself, take some deep breaths and gain perspective.
• Have a plan for what type of decisions need both parent’s permission (if not single).
• Don’t make a decision based on how you feel. (I am mad so the answer is no!)
• Let your “yes” be “yes” and your “no” be “no”. Warn and correct a child who whines after you give your answer.

Following these suggestions will keep you from giving your authority away to a child. Remember you are the one to guard their heart, not to let them manipulate you to get what might be harmful to them in the long run. Usually a child will only try to manipulate you for something they believe you will not let them do or have.

Manipulation is a trick of the enemy. If you catch your child manipulating, you must help them find their way out. They are being used as a pawn in a plan to corrupt your family. As a parent it is your responsibility to direct your child away from manipulation and into genuine relationships. The opposite of manipulation is open honesty in relationships. One of the most notable forms of manipulation is temper tantrums.

Many years ago when my oldest son was a toddler I arrived at my Mama’s house just in time to witness a full-blown tantrum. I saw him lying on the floor kicking and screaming and I knew how ridiculous this was. So I got down on the floor next to him and began to throw a fit just like his. Pretty quickly he realized that this was not normal and he tried to get me to stop. I continued my fit until he began to get worried because I would not stop. If I remember correctly, his tantrums pretty much quit after that, because he saw how it was not working and how bad it looked. This method may not work for anyone else, but it seemed to work for me because of the relationship I had with my son.

Never give into a temper tantrum especially in a public place. The way you respond to these tantrums will set the tone for future events. It is never too late to fix what has already happened, but it will take longer because it is a change for you and the child. If your child has a temper tantrum in a public area, the least embarrassing thing you can do is to remove them to a more private area until they have calmed down. This may mean you have to give up on the plans you had for the day, but in the long run you will be helping your child.

My method was to allow the child to finish their tantrum as long as they are not hurting themselves and then explain that their behavior is not acceptable and there are consequences for the tantrum. If tantrums continue for extremely long periods and happen often I would suggest seeking the help of a physician. Tantrums can be a normal part of growing up, but they can also be a sign of physical issues that may need medical attention.

Generally you may be able to avoid manipulation through too much whining and temper tantrums by letting your “yes” be “yes” and your “no” be “no”.

Enjoy your week. Next week will be about keeping hope alive in your child.

Don’t Give Children Everything They Want (Parenting the Dash 2)

Is there a baby in there?

Last week I talked about the dash in a tombstone that represents your life. Once a child is given life by God and the chance to experience life after birth by their parents the challenges begin.

Here are a few things that parents should remember.

A parent should:                                                      

• Know the difference between needs and wants.
• Understand materialism so they do not over-feed a child’s desire for things.
• Say what they will do and do what they say so they are not easily manipulated.
• Keep hope alive without ever giving up on their child.
• Constructively correct and guide their child without criticizing them.

DON’T OVERFEED THE DESIRE FOR THINGS

Needs are things required to continue living in our society i.e. food, clothing, transportation, housing, etc… Wants are things that you desire, but are not absolutely necessary for survival. Materialism is defined as the “preoccupation with or emphasis on material objects, comforts, and considerations, with a disinterest in or rejection of spiritual, intellectual, or cultural values.” (dictionary.com). It is most important to remember that relationships are more valuable than things. Your relationship with your child should not be based on the things you give them, but how you love them.

Advertisements are geared to make us think we have to have things that we can really live without. Children are very susceptible to enticements from shrewd marketers. We must guard our children and grandchildren from falling for every advertisement they see. Guarding our own minds is also important because we want the latest and the best for our children. Discernment must be used to determine if our emotions for our children or grandchildren are causing us to over-feed their desire for things.

To help your child avoid materialism I have some suggestions.

Cultivate the wonder of presents.  Make large or expensive gifts for special occasions only (i.e. birthdays, Christmas, etc…) This way the presents will not lose their value in the eyes of the child. Save your money for the big items. Let the child earn the little items.

Cultivate proper behavior. Make sure your child knows that a tantrum or whining will ensure they do not get what they asked for, but rather get disciplined in a manner appropriate to the child’s age and actions. It may take some time for your child to understand that you mean what you say if your child has been getting things from tantrums or whining before, but eventually they will understand the message. I’ll talk more about this under manipulation.

Cultivate the value of items. If the child earns an allowance for their spending money they will learn the value of items.  All children can earn a small allowance by doing easy jobs that will help Mom or Dad. Try to avoid paying an allowance for jobs your child should do without pay like cleaning their room or putting their toys away. Teaching a child early in life to earn things they want will put them on their way to financial independence as an adult. While they are earning small amounts is the best time to train your child how to tithe and save.

Cultivate generosity in your child. When your child’s room gets too full of toys or they outgrow clothes help them give some away to children who are in need. Most cities have a Salvation Army site or other charitable organizations where you can donate nice used toys and clothes. This will train them to be generous, which is opposite of greed and will break materialism.

Check your materialism level. Children quickly learn by watching the actions of those around them. If they perceive you value things more than people they will emulate it.

Next week I will continue with the next subject of not allowing manipulation. Enjoy your week.

Parenting the Dash (part 1)

Unfortunately our society marks the moment that a child leaves the womb as the moment that their life starts. We memorialize this in our headstones. In actuality the date of conception marks the first moment of life. It is however, easier to track the date of birth as the beginning of a life, because before that a child is hidden in a safe place out of reach from harm–or so one would think.

When you go to a cemetery and look at someone’s headstone you see their name, birth date and death date. Most headstones have a brief line about their life. In between the birth date and death date there is a dash. The dash represents everything that happened from birth to death. How can all that fit in a dash?

I could write for hours and volumes on all that has happened in my life and I am sure you could too. But when you die, if you get a headstone most of your life will be memorialized by that dash. The dates of your birth and death really do not matter in the eternal scheme of things, but what you did with your time on this earth is what you will be known by.

When we speak eternally the dash is the most important part, because what you learn and how you act are what help you reach your eternal reward. As a parent that dash in our child’s life is very important. We know that what happens in that dash reflects on our input into our child. So we want to do the best for them. We want to give them what they need and want.

What about those children who don’t have a dash? There are many reasons for miscarriages and they are all tragic. The safety of the womb is not always enough for a child with certain physical defects. For those children, there is no dash. The day they come out of the womb is a sad day, a day of pain for their parents.

Then there are those children who are vibrant and alive with all the hope of a future and suddenly it is taken from them. They are ripped out of their safe environment in pieces and thrown into the trash–or worse. These children get no dash. Their life is ripped away from them in what can be a painful event. Then their mom suffers from the realization that what was inside of her was not just tissue, but a life. The horror of one event removes one dash altogether and forever changes the dash of another.

Could we give these children a chance at a dash? I believe if we can open minds and hearts to the reality of abortion we can make a difference. There is a group of women who are bringing attention to abortion in this country who have all been affected by it in one way or another. The movement is “Back to life” and their website is http://backtolifemovement.com/.  I have posted a link to their Facebook page on the side bar, would you take time to visit their website and Facebook page in support of their efforts.

Always remember:

Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (NIV)

It is time to take a stand. That is all for this week. Next week I will go into more detail about how to parent the dash. Enjoy your week.

PARENTING MADE EASY (don’t make me laugh!)

There is nothing easy about parenting. It can be fun and rewarding, but I would never say it is easy.

Excellence in parenthood requires:

• more discipline and precision than a lion tamer
• more devotion and love than Mother Teresa
• more patience than required when you are late for work in rush hour traffic with lane closures
• more endurance than training for a triathlon
• more perseverance than a twelve pound dog eating a fifty pound rawhide
• more split second decisions than NASCAR
• and more hope than you can imagine.

There is no salary, in fact you have to find a way to pay all the bills and still be a good parent. So who in their right mind would sign up for such a job?

Some of us just fell into parenting. We didn’t read the manual and we didn’t take the course. We just found ourselves in the middle of the struggle before we knew what hit us. It’s like a good movie, at first it is exciting to think about that new life inside of you. Imagining how cute your child will be and how wonderful it will be to hold it for the first time. Life is rosy and wonderful. Then the plot thickens and it gets scary when that new life inside of you comes out and you have to take care of it. You have to learn a new language and interpret facial expressions. You have to figure out how and when to feed it and change diapers. And then it gets sick. The trial and error method of parenting makes great theater.

Oh and by the way, it is not an “it”, but a he or she. Decisions have to be made. There are all kinds of color choices, because you don’t want your boy to have anything pink. (Or do you?) Girls are pink and boys are blue. At least that is the way it used to be. And if you don’t want to know ahead of time then you make everything green or yellow. You want your boy’s clothes to define him so no-one calls him a girl. You want your girl’s clothes to make her look sweet and pretty so everyone knows she is a princess.

There are some steps you can take to make parenting easy.

1. Never have intimate relations
2. Bear no children
3. Don’t adopt children
4. Get a dog or cat for companionship

People who choose to follow these steps will not be considered parents and can live under the illusion that parenting is easy. But for the rest of us, we will forever know that raising children is the greatest and most rewarding challenge we have ever had. And when the kids are all grown up we realize that God gave us the guts and stamina for a life full of challenges and hugs, bruises and triumphs, sickness and growth spurts, rebellion and obedience, love and hope.  We can look back in awe of what actually happened and be amazed that we made it.

Now it is time to watch our children struggle with our grandchildren on their way to adulthood, and the cycle continues. Being a parent isn’t easy but it is worth all the effort. Let life win, be a parent.

Enjoy your week; I’ll be back next week with more.